Who hasn’t wanted to fly? Boys break arms jumping off beds and roofs to obtain this dream. We catch air while driving cars over hills, or sleds when we are younger. I know I have dreamed of flying. Or at least having a dragon or hippogriff to feel the sensation of flying. So when kiddo said she wanted to fly I wasn’t surprised. I told her how much I would love to do that too.
“Wouldn’t it be cool to fly during gym and playing basketball?” she asked. Definitely! “So I know what I want for my birthday. I want cosmetic surgery!”
I am horrified. I don’t want my kid to think her body anything to be ashamed of, to need to surgically alter it. My how I have failed as a parent to let my kid think she needs to do that. Parental guilt just floods and floods over me.
“Honey you are beautiful as you are. You don’t need cosmetic surgery.” I say as I put my arms on her shoulders and look into her eyes. Please let me fix this so she doesn’t feel this way. I don’t want her to feel this way!
“No. I want 20 foot bat wings surgically attached to my back muscles. I think 20 feet wing span will be enough to be able to fly. So that is what I want for my 10th birthday.” All earnestness and belief that I can provide her with this. No concept of how bizarre this sounds or how unrealistic this is.
“Well kiddo, I think they would need to do some research for this.” I stutter out for her.
“Oh I know. They will need to grow bat wings that big. But that shouldn’t be that difficult. I think I have figured out how to do this.” Of course she has… duhhh mom I think internally. Of course she would have planned this all out.
“But that will take a lot of money.” I say trying another avenue.
“Probably over a million dollars.” I will just throw some random amount out there that I won’t ever have. That should end this.
“Okay. So when you have a million dollars I get my batwings.” I nod in agreement. Then think better of it.
“Only if you get me something at that point. I want a submersible car.” She readily agrees saying that she thinks she can make one already so that won’t be too bad. So the agreement has been made. I remind her to limit talking about this at school. I can only imagine what the other kids would think. She will be on this kick for a few weeks and she will be on something else. So for now I will just let this run the course.
But of course that can’t happen. How in the world could I expect that from Kiddo? Don’t I know better by now? It continues on and on. 4 months later it takes even a stranger turn.
I am driving my friend Chuck and kiddo to go see horses. Now Chuck is a really smart guy and Kiddo knows this.
“Chuck, I how come we don’t have more than 4 limbs?” He kindly goes into some of the evolution reasons for this. I just sit there smirking. For once I will not need to come up with answers. Someone else gets the pleasure! Internal Happy Dance going on here.
“I want more limbs because then they could evolve into wings. What if I going to get cadaver arms and legs and surgically attached to my back? And then I can get them turned into wings.” She is so excited at this point. I am sitting there horrified at the mental image I have of zombie arms and legs attached to her back. The skin is rotting off of them. It is just such a gruesome image. I look over to Chuck to see how he is going to handle this. At least I don’t have to participate in this one. But she continues on.
“How long after someone is dead would the legs and arms still be good?” Now I am picturing her grave robbing. My KID!!
He takes it completely in stride. They discuss the decay rate of body tissues on purely a scientific level. Then he raises the question on how she will get the nerves to connect and how difficult that will prove to be. Her brilliant answer is: “ I already have that figured out, so that won’t be a problem”. Now I am chuckling in horror and in disbelief of this whole conversation.
They begin to discuss how arms and legs won’t be strong enough muscularly. The talk about birds’ hollow bones making them light and how their muscles are arranged. It is a very twisted and comical conversation to observe between a 40-ish man and a 10 year old girl.
She finally decides “Well I will just use cow legs then” ………………………………………….